Mar 9, 2009

She lives at my house

LOL !! ROLF !!
It's me ! :-)

 SHE LIVES AT MY HOUSE.   A very weird thing has happened, a strange old lady has moved into my home.  I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in.  I certainly didn't invite her.  All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.  She's very  clever, she manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her.  When I look into a mirror directly to check my appearnace suggenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.  It's very disconcerting.  I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.  She's really rather frightening. 
If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent.  But no, everyone once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kichen counter, or some loose chnage on my bureau or on the floor, but that cetainly isn't enlough.  In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly.  I go to the ATM, withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later, it's gone.  i certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lasy pilfers it.  You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. Goodness sakes, she needs it.
The money isn't the only thing she's taking.  Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate.  Especially the good stuff, ice cream, cookies, candy.  i just can't keep them in the house,  She really has a sweet tooth.  She should watch it, she really is putting on the pounds.  I think she realizes that , and to make herself feel better I know she is tampering with my scale, so I'll think tht I'm gaining weight, too.  For an old lady she's really quite childish.  She also gets into my closets when I'm not home and alters allmy clothes. They're gettng tighter every day.
Another thing, I wish she's stop messing with my files and papers on my desk.  I can't find a thing anymore.  This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organzied, but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where its supposed to be.  Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts it off completely.  She find innumerable imaginative ways to irritate me.  She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before me, and blurs all the print.  She has also done someting sinsister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone.  Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.    She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn.  My bed is higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. 
Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I  shelve them and applies superglue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open.  Is this any way  to repay hospitality?  I don't even get any respite at night.  More than once her snoring has awakened me. Ii don't know why she can't do something about that.  It's very unattractive.  As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house.  She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me wherever I go.  I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extened to dressing rooms.  When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit, which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.  I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong.  She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictues taken....


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